Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Hi everyone,

you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been absent from this blog for quite some time. And as much as I don’t want this post to be an excuse, it is an explanation.

2020 has been hard on us all; harder on some than the others but we all struggled in our own way. This year, I’ve struggled a lot with my mental health, still am honestly. Living this far from my family wasn’t that good for me. On top of it all, majority of my good friends live either in other parts of Germany or all over the world it seems. As the first lockdown started, I’ve felt panic and have struggled with loneliness a lot. The panic was mostly due to everyone talking about COVID and this in combination with living alone wasn’t the best for me. I tried my best to just think or do something else but it rarely worked because no matter what, there were only news about pandemic. With everyone being at home, I’ve realized just how lonely I feel. I didn’t have a friend to visit or to go to my family if I wanted to visit them. I knew that I won’t be able to visit my family even in summer for my summer holidays. Unless I wanted to go into quarantine afterwards which I couldn’t do due to my job.

As the summer came, I started feeling better because we have gone out of the hard lockdown and I was at least able to see more people in the train. I was able to meet some of my friends as well. And I really hoped that it will stay like this for some time but then autumn happened. Thankfully, my mom visited me around September but after she left, it felt like the hole in my chest grew bigger. It was great to spend 2 weeks with her but then suddenly, my apartment felt empty. I was alone yet again.

Winter started approaching and I knew that the numbers will go high again, which meant that I won’t be able to see my family over holidays either. And it happened in the beginning of December; Germany went into 2nd hard lockdown. In that moment, it became clear that I won’t be able to go home for Christmas. Last time I saw my dad, my sister and her family was last year in August so at this point, it has been almost 1,5 years. Of course we see each other over video calls and talk on a daily but I just crave a hug, I crave being close to the people and not being alone.

It is 3 days before New Years and I’m spending it all alone 2nd year in a row. As mentioned, I don’t have that many friends that live close by and those that do live close are spending it with other people. I’ve been feeling more lonely than ever this past few days. Combined with pandemic and new year, I feel like my loneliness is hitting the peak right now. And, currently, I just hope that I won’t become self destructive. My biggest problem is that I’m not reaching out to people enough because I just feel like they won’t understand. And finding a professional help has been harder than I thought it would be because no one wants to take me as a new patient.

All of those things combined didn’t make me particularly motivated to come over here and write. I really hope that I can bring you more posts in the next year. And I hope that your mental health is at the better place than mine. Please, don’t be like me and reach out to people; be it close friends or searching for a professional help.

Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.

Love and light,

Ana

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